Everyday this question rings in my mind. The verses of sorrow in the Psalms, only now do I reflect them and begin to grasp a glimpse of what the authors felt. I think I thought I could before, but I guess I'm learning of a lot of things I thought I knew.
When I reflect on my life, I'm reminded of how much pain I cause. And I realize, I will only cause more. Never... will I do otherwise. And so I strive to cling to Christ more because I can't look anywhere else. I can't look at people cause I see the pain I've caused or will cause. I can't look at anything but Christ.
Every moment of peace I achieve is by distractions. Even math today in class seemed enjoyable because I could stop thinking... which is sad cause I really don't like math. I think the reason I've been reading so much lately on Google Reader or even reading some parts of books is because it gives me a chance to stop thinking about things that bother me but reflect on other aspects.
Of course the Cross covers my failures. Of course.... of course. I don't know if it's cause I can't let go, or because I still struggle with grace. Maybe part of it is because my dad hasn't replied for a while now, and I'm afraid he might decide I don't ever want to talk to this person again or for a long time, but I guess I did the same to him so I deserve it.
Honestly... I would like nothing more than rest. But I continue on.
My new verse to memorize:
Galatians 2:20
"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."
This is all I can rely. I need not try to pick up the pieces of my broken life, I need to let Christ transform me. As crappy as my body and soul as much as I wonder how He can still love me or even use me, I press on. But this process.... hurts so much. But still I will cling. Still I will crawl. Still I will cry out.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFUHrXfuNU4
Healing Begins- Tenth Avenue North
www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFUHrXfuNU4
Healing Begins- Tenth Avenue North
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