Javert

I am Javert.  Lol.

When confronted with true Grace my mind goes blank and I can't handle it.  And frankly... the thought of suicide doesn't surprise me.  In fact I've thought it.  Now would I ever commit it?  10 years ago yes, now heck no.  Lol.  No worries there if you were scared for a split second.  But ya... when confronted with the true depth of your sin, and even then you don't really know, it's scary.  It's not just scary it's terrifying, mind boggling, that sort of suicidal I can't take this anymore fear and depression.

And... that's where I'm at.  I think that's where I've been for a while honestly, but I've pushed the thoughts aside for better or for worse.  And now I'm confronting it, like really confronting and it's hard.

So many idols appear, and as soon as I'm tearing down one I find another or a new one appears.  I'm constantly reminded of how I will only continue to fail, and that should make me seek the cross all the more.  Hunger after it more, but... I'm scared.  Knowing full well how I deserve the wrath of God, it's scary.

But even though I cry or get upset etc about it, I shall continue to strive.  As I've said before when I cease to seek God... life will end.  I have so many books I realized that I need to read.  And today at PHS I learned of another I should read.  By Grace Alone: How the Grace of God Amazes Me by Ferguson.

Grace is such a hard concept for me.  And I feel like there's so many dimensions to it too, so on the bright side I can spend forever realizing it :) on the downside, I spend forever realizing it :( haha.  I don't like taking that long, but that's okay.

Honestly... I think I want to rush so many aspects of my life because of insecurities I have.  And... I probably will continue to rush because there's so much to do... so much work to be done.  But I'm realizing the joy of patience as well.

On a side note, I learned some stuff about street evangelism today and even put it into practice some with one of the speakers at PHS.  It was good... evangelism isn't as scary as I thought, and it's something I've always struggled with.  Reminds me of putting my comfort in God and how truly it's all in His hands.

Also... sad note.  Smallest PHS ever.  I was genuinely sad... but like it's said.  True believers can change the world because of God.  Size doesn't matter, and I'm not calling people that didn't come non-believers don't get me wrong.  But it's the idea that size/numbers doesn't indicate spiritual maturity or commitment or anything, it's a false idol.  Sorry I'm tired so I hope this all makes sense.

And duno if I mentioned this before, but I'm currently memorizing Philippians 4:6-7.  Good one.  And I really like Psalm 42.  And... I get to finally play frisbee again tomorrow.  Sooooooooo excited.  like so... excited haha. Been too long, I prob suck now and will be frustrated but that's okay, only way is up (or injured?....).